Dearest Bella
by MyWindowIsOpen
Summary: After dealing with a life-changing obstacle, will Edward and Bella find their HEA?
1. Chapter 1

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. I started this story two years ago and between writing others and real life, I forgot about it. I recently remembered that I had it in my documents, and thought I'd work on it. There were already sixteen chapters written. I cleaned them up with the help of my betas. Any mistakes are mine.

I want to ask that you keep an open mind in the future chapters when it comes to mention of medical terminology, for I am not a doctor. If mention of alcohol and drug use bothers you, do not read. If mental illness and the common issues that are associated with it bother you, do not read. There's a warning at the top of the page, if that triggers you, do not read. If you read the story, you have been warned.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. Thanks for reading.

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POV-Edward

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~DB~

"Bella, I don't know how many times we have to go over this. I'm sick, it's not something I can help and it's not curable. It can be passed on to any children we might have." I tell her, exasperatedly.

"Edward the doctor said there was only a fifty percent chance. There's a good possibility we could have a perfectly healthy child." Bella pleads the same case to me she has for months.

"Yes, and there's a chance we might not. I'm not willing to take that chance, Bella. I'm sick of having this same discussion, back and forth, and getting nowhere."

She crosses her arms. "You're being so unfair."

"No, I'm being proactive against anyone else having to ever suffer from this condition, the way I have my whole life, Bella."

She sighs. "There's a chance they won't." She beseeches.

"I'm sorry, but I won't take that risk. I love you, Bella and I'd give you the world, but I can't give you kids."

She glares at me. "Can't? No, you just won't.

"Bella." I hiss through gritted teeth.

"Edward, being bipolar isn't a death sentence."

I look her in the eyes, trying to convey how I am feeling. "Some days, it can feel that way."

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AN: This story is completely pre-written and is a DRABBLE FIC. Thank you for taking the time to read. There's no posting schedule. The POV will vary between Edward and Bella.


	2. Chapter 2

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Edward

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~DB~

Bella and I have been together ever since we were sixteen years old. I was the new kid in school. I moved to Forks from Chicago with my family when I was fourteen.

I walked into school the first day feeling completely out of place, as any new student would, but having an illness like bipolar disorder makes you feel even worse about yourself in those situations. It's like you don't belong and all eyes are on you. You can feel people judgmenting you a mile away.

My siblings, Emmett and Alice never had that problem. They were lucky enough to be in the gene pool that didn't inherit mom's mental health issues… lucky me.

Alice, my twin and I were freshmen, whereas, Emmett was a sophomore. Yes, he was only one year older than us. People loved to tease our parents about that fact.

We had just left out of the office with our newly acquired schedules for the year when a guy came barreling into me out of nowhere, causing me to drop my books.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" This small, dark haired girl yelled at the guy as he walked away.

We both bent down at the same time to retrieve my books from the floor and I got my first look at her face.

Deep coffee brown eyes I felt I could drink from, a small nose that turned up slightly at the end, lush pouty lips, and ears that stuck out too far from her head, but were just right for her. They were perfect.

I blinked a few times, she blushed and turned her head.

I managed to remember my manners. "Thanks for helping."

She smiled at me. "Bella, Bella Swan." She introduced herself.

I stuck my hand out to shake hers. "Well, Bella Swan it's nice of you to help me. I'm Edward Cullen."

We were friends for two years before I finally got up enough courage to ask Bella out. When I finally did, we became inseparable and we've been together ever since.

That was six years ago and we've seen our share of hard times, but we've had some pretty amazing ones too. Fights, makeup sex, passion beyond your wildest dreams, love, jobs, and a new house.

We get along so well, with one exception. Bella's been talking a lot about wanting a baby lately, and I told her years ago, I didn't ever want any kids. I thought we were on the same page with that particular topic, but apparently she changed her mind.

I know what it's like to go through life carrying the stigma of mental illness. I refuse to burden a child of mine with it.

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AN: This isn't a subject I take lightly. Mental illness, especially bipolar disorder, hits close to home. I wanted people to get some insight as to what it's like for the person who has the disease & possibly for their family. If you're reading this, thank you for giving it a chance.


	3. Chapter 3

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Edward

~DB~

Coming home from work, I'm exhausted. I'm CEO of my own computer software company, 'Cullen Technology'. It's small, but rapidly growing.

I just want to have some supper, watch TV, and maybe if I'm lucky, Bella will feel frisky tonight.

My dick twitches just thinking about all the things I want to do to her, and I have to adjust myself through my dress pants.

"Honey, I'm home," I call out as I enter the house. Yes, it's cliché, but it's funny and kinda our thing.

"In the kitchen." Bella calls back to me.

I remove my jacket and tie as I walk toward the kitchen, throwing them onto the couch before I enter the room.

Bella is always beautiful, but especially seeing her standing there at the stove with bare legs, wearing one of my white button up shirts. I'm definitely hungry, but not for whatever it is she's currently stirring in that pot.

I eye her hungrily and it's as if she can feel my stare, she turns around.

"Hey baby, supper won't be ready for another thirty minutes or so. I hope you're not too hungry?"

I look her up and down. Licking my lips, devouring her with my eyes. "I'm fucking starving, Bella." My voice rough with desire.

Her eyes widen. "Edward, no… the food."

"Can fucking wait," I say as I reach around her to turn off the stove.

"Yes." She moans as I grab her breast.

"I thought you'd see it my way," I say smugly as I pick her up and carry her to the table.

"Where are you going?" She's kissing down my neck as I set her on the table.

"I'm going to have my dessert first."

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AN: I wrote this story for me. It was written partially during a time where I was in a very dark place. It was kinda like therapy for me. If you're not happy with the chapters, I'm not going to twist your arm to read it. If that comes across as mean, I apologize, but don't bash a story you're reading for free. If you're not happy reading it… don't. To the ones that are curious enough to forge on… thank you.


	4. Chapter 4

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Edward

~DB~

I grab ahold of the sides of my shirt she's wearing and jerk, buttons fly in all directions.

Bella laughs at my antics. "Edward, you know I'll just have to sew those back on, right?"

I just shrug cause I don't care. "Totally worth it."

Rolling her eyes. "Maybe to you."

"Hush, you're killing the mood, woman." She knows I'm right, she loves spontaneity as much as I do.

Looking down at my tented pants, she raises an eyebrow. "I don't think that's an issue, big boy." She says smugly.

Growling at her, I attack her neck with soft bites and hard kisses, thrusting my cloth covered cock against her satin covered pussy. We're making out like a couple of teenagers on our kitchen table.

"Bella." I manage to pant out.

"Mmm… don't stop." She grabs the back of my head to pull me down to her mouth.

"Baby… I- I need to get a condom."

Her arms drop to her sides. "Edward." Her voice trembles.

"Bella, no." I raise up while shaking my head.

She reaches for me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, holding my head to her chest. "Baby, you've been doing so well lately." She runs her fingers through my hair as she talks. "Won't you consider just trying, for me?"

I raise up onto my elbows so I can look into her eyes. "Bella, love, I'd give you anything in the world, but I will not give you sick kids. Yes, I've been good for a couple of months, but you know as well as I do how quickly that can change… how far it can go." I whisper sadly.

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AN: Thanks so much for reading. Your reviews give me life, and I appreciate them all.


	5. Chapter 5

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Edward

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~DB~

I raise up onto my elbows so I can look into her eyes. "Bella, love, I'd give you anything in the world, but I will not give you sick kids. Yes, I've been good for a couple of months, but you know as well as I do how quickly that can change and how far it can go."

"I want a baby, Edward." She cries and I feel like an even bigger asshole than ever before.

"I know you do, but I can't give that to you, Bella. We talked about this before, remember? I told you how I felt and you told me you could live with the decision to not have kids."

Throwing her hands up, she shouted, "I was sixteen years old, Edward. I wanted to be with you more than anything, of course, I'd say that."

"So, what are you saying? You don't mean it now?" I'm up on my feet, pulling at my hair.

"Of course, I want to be with you, Edward."

"You know you could find someone else, someone that's normal and could give you all the babies you want." I think I'm going to be sick just thinking it, but I want Bella to be happy… she deserves to be a mother.

"Edward, don't you know, I don't want to have a baby with anyone except you?" She wipes the tears from her eyes.

I stop pacing, both hands in my hair and I look at my wife, my beautiful wife. She deserves the world. If she wants kids then she needs a man that can give them to her.

"I- I'm tired, I'm going to bed." I tell her despondently.

She looks like she wants to argue. "What about supper?"

Rubbing her cheek with the backs of my fingers. "Finish it up, eat, and put the rest in the fridge. I might eat some later?"

"Are we okay, Edward?" The look in her eyes is almost my undoing, but I know what I have to do for her.

I kiss her forehead. "Don't worry, we'll get some sleep and tomorrow... things will be fine."

She furrows her brow as I walk out of the kitchen.

Things will be okay for her. I will make sure of it.

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AN: Things are about to get… difficult. Thanks so much for reading. Also thanks to the GR for reading on FFN, saying they like my plot but not my writing, after they've read all four chapters. I bet you continue to read it.


	6. Chapter 6

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Bella

~DB~

I wake up, stretch, and reach for Edward, but he's not there. I roll to his side of the bed, grab his pillow and snuggle up to it.

I think back to last night and tears come to my eyes. I hate fighting with him.

He's so damn stubborn, but I love him so much. Yes, he's had a hard time dealing with being bipolar. I guess I'll never truly understand what he feels or goes through, but I can see the daily struggles he has and it's not easy, at all.

There's never been a doubt in my mind that I want to be with Edward, but being with him isn't always smooth sailing. He tries to push me away sometimes, telling me I can do better than him.

For me, there's no other man that could compare to Edward. He's not some white knight that rode in on his horse to save me. He's flawed, but he also has one of the biggest hearts; he loves his family and friends, and is so kind, he makes me laugh, he even takes the trash out without me asking.

He can't see himself clearly, at all, though. The depression issues that are linked to his bipolar disorder rob him of any self-worth he feels he has; so no matter how many times I tell him he's good enough, it doesn't register with him.

It's a constant uphill battle for him. I see him struggle and it breaks my heart, but I don't let it show. I try to keep a smile for him, always.

Even on his best days, with his manic highs, he has no idea what a beautiful man he is, and I'm not talking about aesthetically.

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AN: I have a closed group where I post teaser pictures for upcoming chapters. It's MyWindowIsOpen Fan Fiction, not to be confused with the public page where I post the chapter updates. Come check it out, and as always, thanks for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Bella

~DB~

Yes, I know what the chances are of him passing that horrible disease, which robs him of his self-worth, to our potential kids. I don't mean to push him. I just want to share that miracle with him.

I want to see love reflected in his eyes as he looks at our baby. I know he wants kids. He's said as much. It's the illness that's holding him back.

I make my way down to the kitchen, walking to the coffee pot, yawning, wondering where Edward has gone to this early in the morning. I spot a note next to the coffee pot. I pick it up, open it and begin to read the note that shatters my world.

Dearest Bella,


	8. Chapter 8

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Bella

~DB~

Dearest Bella,

I'm sorry to do it this way, or to do it to you at all, but you will thank me in the end, because you will be better off and so much happier without me. I want you to move on with your life, find a man who is whole, who can love you and give you the family you want and deserve. I wish it could have been me, Bella. You have no idea how bad I wish my brain wasn't fucked up like it is, but I can't change that.

What I can change is the path your life takes. I've asked you before to walk away because I'm not good for you, but you have stuck with me out of love and loyalty.

I know you want to start a family, but I can't risk it, I won't risk a child of mine, having to suffer a lifetime of manic highs and lows, never feeling right in his or her own skin.

Bella, please don't hate me, please know I'm doing this for you. There's no one else, so please don't think that.

Be free, Bella, find love and have the family you always wanted. I hope they have your eyes. Take care of yourself, Bella, and remember, I'll always love you and it's only because of that love that I'm able to leave you.

Yours,

Edward

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AN: I wanted to post this one today, too. I usually give a bit of a cliffhanger, but I'm not that mean. Please review & let me know what you think. Thanks!


	9. Chapter 9

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Bella

~DB~

I was shaking by the time I finished reading his letter. He left me.

No, he didn't leave me, I ran him off with my inability to stop pressuring him about a baby.

Tears well up in my eyes and spill over. What have I done?

I lay the letter down on the counter and head for the phone. I pick it up and dial his number, it rings until it goes to voicemail.

"Edward, it's me, Bella. Please… please don't do this. I- I need you." I let out a sob into the phone and the line disconnects.

With shaky hands, I start trying to dial his parents' number.

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AN: Y'all are greedy reading h00rs. Lmao ;)


	10. Chapter 10

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Bella

~DB~

I pick up the phone and call the one person that would know what to do, Carlisle, Edward's dad. I dial the number and after a couple of failed attempts, finally manage to complete the call.

It starts to ring.

There's a click and then a muffled sound, some rustling noise and then what sounds like a door shutting.

"Bella?" Carlisle is probably wondering why I'm calling so early.

I release the strangled gasp of breath I was holding. I've been having a difficult time breathing since I read Edward's letter. I try to speak, but all that comes out are sobs.

"Bella… Bella, what's wrong? You need to calm down and tell me, what's going on?"

"I- I can't," I scream in pure agony.

I can hear Carlisle's breathing increase. "Bella, is it Edward? Did something happen to him? Please, you have to stop crying and tell me," he pleads with me. "Just take deep breaths, in slowly… inhale through your nose."

I take a deep breath like he instructs me to do.

"Good girl. Now exhale slowly through your mouth."

I exhale a shaky gust of air like he asks me to.

"That's good. Now keep doing that until you feel calm enough to speak."

I repeat the process about a dozen times. On the last one I take the deepest breath I can and blow it out, shuddering as I try to release all the pent up nervous energy I've been holding. Now my body doesn't feel like a livewire, but I still feel jittery. I'm calmer, but my life is still falling apart.

"Are you alright now, Bella?" Carlisle tentatively asks me.

I rub my forehead as I shake my head. Tears rolling down my cheeks. "He's gone." I whisper.

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AN: Ugh, that guts me.


	11. Chapter 11

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Bella

~DB~

"Are you alright now, Bella?" Carlisle tentatively asks me.

I rub my forehead as I shake my head. Tears rolling down my cheeks. "He's gone." I whisper.

"What!? Dear god, no, not my son, not, Edward!?" Carlisle starts panicking and if I'm not mistaken… crying.

"Carlisle, he left, Edward left me," I inform him, feeling ashamed.

"Oh, thank god, I thought… never mind."

"What?" My heart just broke a little more. Is he glad Edward left me?

"Oh, Bella, I didn't mean… I didn't mean that I'm glad he left you."

"Well, what did you mean!?" I challenge as I swipe at my eyes with the back of my hands.

He sighs heavily into the phone. "Bella, I'm really not at liberty to discuss this with you."

"What?" I shriek. "He left me in the middle of the night, with nothing except a fucking 'Dear John' letter. I want to know what you know, now!" I demand from my father-in-law. I was mad, hell no, strike that, I was livid! I have never spoken to him that way before, but I want answers.

"Okay, I'll tell you, but you're not going to like it."

"What I don't like is not knowing where my husband is, Carlisle, and why he fucking left. The real reason that is and why people want to try to keep those reasons from me?" I end my diatribe against Carlisle. My breaths coming out in pants from being so damn mad. My chest heaving up and down.

"Fine. I'm not Edward's doctor, but I keep an eye on his case because he's my son." He starts and I can't believe what I hear.

"Is that legal? How do you manage to do that?" I question him.

He sighs. More than likely he's frustrated with me. I couldn't care less. I want answers about my husband.

"Edward sees a friend of mine. He knows the circumstances that go along with Edward and his care."

"You make it sound like something is… wrong with him, Carlisle."

"Bella, there is something wrong with him." His tone starting to show his frustration.

"Yes, I know… he's bipolar, but it doesn't slow him down or hinder him in any way."

Sighing, "Doesn't hinder Edward? Bella?"

I shake my head. "No."

"Where is he? Where is Edward, Bella?"

My thumb rubs over the diamond on my wedding ring. "I- I don't know?" I mumble.

"Bella, sweetheart, Edward stopped taking his meds months ago. He's probably in a full-on manic state." He tells me gently.

My hand flies up to my throat. It feels like someone is squeezing the life out of me. "Wh- why?" Is all I manage to stutter out.

"He doesn't think we know. Dr. Cox, his primary doctor, ordered blood work, but told him it was for his blood sugar count. We would order that test every so often so I could sneak in a med check."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Patient privacy act. I could get into a lot trouble as well as Dr. Cox." He explains.

"Well, keeping your mouth shut worked out wonderfully," I add sarcastically.

He sniffs and I realize he's crying.

"I'm sorry, that wasn't fair. I'm upset and I'm taking it out on you." I apologize to him, and feeling like shit for so many reasons.

"Don't worry about it, we'll find him, Bella."

"I hope so."

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AN: Are y'all ok? Are you enjoying the teaser pictures I post in MyWindowIsOpen group?


	12. Chapter 12

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Edward

~DB~

I wake up to the sound of a ringing phone. For just a moment, I forget where I am.

Ringing, ringing, ringing… it won't stop ringing, and then reality sets in.

The light coming from the window is shining too brightly in my eyes. I forgot to close the damn blackout curtains last night after I sat and stared at the moon.

It was a full moon, and I wished I could have phased into a wolf under the light of that fable. At least then, I could run away from myself and my problems, if only for a few hours.

I blink and shut my eyes against the harsh sunlight. When in reality, I'm trying to shut out the world.

I left Bella, left my heart with her and I can feel it breaking across the distance as I lie here in this lonely, motel room. I feel like I'm in purgatory, a hell that I brought upon myself.

She deserves more than I can give her. I feel like a soulless monster, set on a path to destroy everything in my way; including myself.

I am nothing.

Just for good measure, to be sure the universe knows this, I scream it. "I am nothing!" I just repeat it over and over on a constant loop until my voice turns gravely from use.

I'm convinced of this fact, I have to make sure others believe it as well.

I didn't choose to have this disease, and I certainly don't want it.

The constant up and down feelings of your emotions.

People think I'm strong, I laugh bitterly to myself. I'm not, I'm living, but just barely. Not even day to day, minute to minute. I can count each second as they pass.

The pain… the pain I live with, it's unbearable most days.

It would send some people to their knees as it has me, before.

I think the difference is, others refuse to get back up, they've allowed the disease to take them out. Not me, though, I've gotten up every time and fought through it.

I'm beginning to wonder though, if I'm a masochist who enjoys the pain life throws at me? I mean, why do I continue to keep getting back up? Why not just… stay down?


	13. Chapter 13

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Edward

~DB~

I'm beginning to wonder, though if I'm a masochist who enjoys the pain life throws at me? I mean, why do I continue to keep getting back up? Why not just… stay down?

Who would enjoy the swirling, mumbled, mixed-up commotion of a supernova highway swirling around in your brain?

Your emotions feel like a hyperactive child who has been given too much chocolate to eat, then handed a pogo stick and told to go dodge traffic.

It feels like you're on the world's biggest roller coaster, but this is my life and I can never get off of it. Having the highest of highs, where people care, but can only be around you for sporadic periods of time. To the lowest of lows, where no one wants to be around you at all because you're so despondent. People just don't have the time or energy to deal with you.

Then, they're the times when you level off. The 'normal' range as I like to refer to it.

It's when most people want to be around you. It's the best time for everyone, naturally, but it doesn't last too long. These smooth rides are good and help determine who will be there in the long run. The 'normal' range allows people to see the 'real' me.

Cause when the highs come, they can bring the hyperactiveness out in me and we laugh at that, but where the true test comes is, whether a person can withstand the lows or not?

If this person is able to handle the lowest of the lows and still be there, in the end… they've proved they are a worthy friend.

I'm brought out of my musings by someone beating on the door. My cell phone is ringing again.

I sit up and grab it off the nightstand, looking at the call log to see I have several missed calls from my dad. I scroll down and see several from Bella as well.

My heart breaks just seeing her name on my phone's screen.

My thumb hovers over the call button.

It startles me when it starts to ring in my hand as someone simultaneously knocks on the door. I look at the caller ID and it flashes 'Dad'.

The banging on the door gets louder.

"Edward, open the damn door, I know you're in there. I hear your cell phone ringing."

I look around my room in a panic. "Fuck."

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AN: The day I wrote this I was in a terribly manic low. This is exactly what someone, me, feels like during this.

So, how are we doing?


	14. Chapter 14

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Edward

~DB~

I stumble out of bed, grabbing empty beer cans and liquor bottles as I hustle my way to the bathroom. I've always been a social drinker, having a beer or two with the guys or a glass of wine at dinner with Bella.

What's been going on in this room the last few days is not social.

I've been holed up in here, binge drinking my problems away.

I've barely eaten anything since I've been here, choosing to live on a liquid diet.

~memory~

When I ran out of supplies the other night, I walked to the store down the road. I wasn't stupid enough to get behind the wheel of my car and drive.

On the way back, I cut through an alleyway and ran into some creepy looking fucker. He had on a black leather jacket and walked with what he would consider a swagger.

I thought he looked stupid, but he probably thought he looked like James Dean's brother?

He approached me and told me, "You look like you're having a bad day?"

I replied, "That's an understatement."

An evil grin spread across his face and his blue eyes sparkled. "I have something that can help take the edge off."

I just looked at him like he was crazy. "No thanks, buddy."

"Look, just try one. If you like it you can come back and get more."

"I don't do drugs and if I did, I certainly wouldn't buy them from strangers," I informed him.

He laughed at that. "Well, that's easily fixed," he stuck out his hand, "the name's James."

I looked at him skeptically for a moment and then shook it. "Edward." I introduced myself, apprehensively.

"Well, Edward, It's nice to meet you, and since you're my new friend the first round is on me."

He handed me a pill, and all I could think was just this once. "Thanks." I threw it in my mouth as I popped the top of one of my recently purchased beers to wash the pill down.

"That's what I'm talking about." James laughs.

I shake my head at him. He's a bit weird, too weird for me. "Well, thanks again," I tell him as I try to hedge my way out of the alley.

He just keeps laughing as he salutes me. "See ya later, 'friend'."

"Okay," I mumble.

Just as I exit the alleyway it hits me.

I don't know what he gave me, but it's kicking in and… I think I like it. I have a feeling of euphoria, and I feel like I'm flying. My problems are nonexistent at the moment, and I quite like it.

~end memory~

I don't want Bella or any of my family to know I've been doing drugs… well, pills to be exact. Drinking is one thing, but pills are another.

I rush back to my bedside and grab the pill bottle and take it to the bathroom, placing it in the ice bucket; effectively hiding it.

I stop and look at myself in the mirror. I have a beard starting to grow where I haven't shaved all week, my eyes are red-rimmed and I have dark circles under them, too. I look like shit.

I walk back to the door, taking a deep breath as I prepare to face whoever is on the other side.

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AN: Things are about to get a bit tricky from here. Please, heed the warnings from before. If there's any reason you're not comfortable with the subject matter in the warnings, read with caution.


	15. Chapter 15

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Edward

~DB~

I open the door and there stands my dad… and Bella. I'm momentarily stunned by her presence, dad clears his throat making me realize I'm standing in the doorway… staring.

I narrow my eyes at them. "What are you doing here?" I take Bella in, my eyes roaming her body hungrily, from her luscious mahogany hair to her- fuck me… black high top sneakers. "Why did you bring her?" I question my father.

"We want to talk to you, son," Carlisle responds coolly, "and show some respect to your wife."

I tear my eyes away from the tight white top my wife is wearing. Why she thought wearing a black bra was acceptable under that top, I'll never know. I look to Carlisle. "We have nothing to talk about. Now if you two will excuse me?"

I step back to shut the door in their faces when Bella pushes her way past me into the room. I'm too shocked to put up a fight to try to stop her.

She turns to Carlisle and whispers something to him that doesn't make him look too happy.

"Fine… I'll be down in the lobby if you should need me for anything, okay?" He tells her loud enough for me to hear.

She pushes the door closed, resting her back up against it. I hear the lock clicking as she engages it.

"You and I, dear husband, need to talk."


	16. Chapter 16

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Edward

~DB~

She pushes the door closed, resting her back up against it. I hear the lock clicking as she engages it.

"You and I, dear husband, need to talk."

"Just say what you came to say, then leave," I tell her coldly. I'm pissed dad brought her here. I only told him where I was staying to get him off my dick, not so he'd bring Bella here.

"Edward, I think if we talk about things… we can work this out."

I look at her, perusing her from head to toe. She's dressed to kill and she means it to be me. The yellow and white, high waisted skirt fits her like a glove, and in my opinion, it's too damn short. With the white crop top, she has on with the black bra underneath, down to those damn black high top sneakers she wears almost everywhere… she's sin and I'm a sinner.

She catches me basically eye fucking her and she's not the type of person to let me slide on my behavior. "Like whatcha see?" She says in a sultry voice.

I smirk, adjusting the problem she caused in my jeans. "Chemistry never was a subject we failed, baby," I tell her as I step closer to her, pinning her to the door with my body.

She pushes against me with her hips, not to push me away, but to feel me. She saw what she did to me, does to me. No matter what problems we might have, sex was never one of them. "I miss you, Edward. Our bed's big and too cold without you." She murmurs as she runs her hands up my chest and around my neck, where she toys with the fine hairs on the back of my neck.

She knows how much I love that.

I run my nose up the side of her neck, inhaling her fragrance, nipping at the tender flesh behind her ear. "Oh yeah," I mumble. "How much have you missed me?" I whisper as I suck on the fleshy part of her lobe.

She leans her head back, giving me access to her neck. I lick, suck, and nip my way down. We're both starting to breathe heavily as I kiss my way back up to her pouty lips, where I take her full bottom one into my mouth and pull it into mine, sucking it gently. She moans and I take it as an invitation. I plunge my tongue in her mouth, her taste is even better than I remember.

Our tongues swirl around one another as I savor her. This isn't about being sweet or gentle. This is raw and primal. Something we both need, a spark that is licking at our heels. We are both trying to outrun it, but knowing full well we're about to get burned.

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AN: Shew… I'm nervous about how y'all are going to react.


	17. Chapter 17

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Edward

~DB~

I gather the material of her skirt, lifting it roughly to her waist. She unzips my pants and has my cock out of my jeans, stroking me in her tight fist within seconds.

I pick her up. "Wrap your legs around me." I nudge her thong to the side with the head of my dick. "Hang on tight, baby." I warn her.

She looks at me, raising an eyebrow. "Do it." She challenges me.

I slam into her pussy in one swift thrust. I pull almost all the way out and immediately go back for more.

I'm taking all my anger and frustrations out on her sweet cunt. I'm definitely beating the pussy up today. If anyone is walking by my room, they'll think someone is trying to break down the door.

Bella's just spurring me on, encouraging me to fuck her brains out. "Yes, yes, fuck me harder." She moans as I piston my hips at an inhuman rate.

I can feel her walls start to tighten on my shaft as I drill her into the door. In the back of my mind, I know I shouldn't be manhandling her like this, but in my drug addled mind all I seem to care about is chasing my release.

When I bite down on her neck, the animalistic cry that leaves her kiss-swollen lips should deter me, but the sick bastard I am gets turned on even more. "Fuck, yeah. I'm tearing that pussy up." Sweat rolls down my forehead, stinging my eyes, but that doesn't even deter me.

I feel like I could fuck all night.

Bella's head is thrashing from side to side. "So good, so good." She keeps mumbling.

I change the angle in which I'm fucking her and her pussy clamps down on my cock like a vise. "I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm…" Her breath catches in the back of her throat. Her tight, wet heat is trying to milk me dry, but I'm not ready to blow my load yet.

I grab her around the waist, swing away from the door, and walk toward the bed the best I can since my pants are around my ankles. I throw her on the bed. "Get on your knees." I command as I stroke my rock-hard length.

She scrambles to do as I demand, turning so her delectable ass will be hoisted up in the air. I take my time admiring the view as I climb onto the bed behind her. I run the head of my dick over her asshole. "What would you do if I told you I was going to fuck you here?" I push slightly against her rosebud.

She pushes back, causing the tip of my cock to barely enter her puckered hole. I give her plump ass-cheek a stinging smack. "You're playing a dangerous game, baby." I warn her.

She looks at me over her shoulder. "I trust you." Her coffee, brown eyes bore into my soul.

I look at her, really look at her… my wife. I can't believe how I've treated her. I start to blink, trying to stop the onslaught of emotions that are trying to overload my senses.

"Edward?" Bella calls to me, but her voice seems like it's so far away. "Edward, are you okay?" She asks, anxiously.

I shake my head, trying to clear the images of how I just basically abused my wife.

I look up, somehow she moved us into a sitting position on the bed. "I- I'm sorry." I manage to choke out, my stomach rolling with pills, booze, and guilt.

"It's okay, baby. I wanted it." She reaches for me and I see a bruise starting to form on her wrist where I held her too tight.

"Oh God, I'm going to be sick." I tell her as I take off running toward the bathroom.

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AN: Alcohol and drug use is absolutely not the way to handle your problems when it comes to any sort of issues, especially mental health issues. About 20% of Americans with an anxiety or mood disorder such as depression have an alcohol or other substance use disorder, and about 20% of those with an alcohol or substance use disorder also have an anxiety or mood disorder. It's a vicious cycle.

People have asked why did Edward go off of his medicine? When you're feeling "normal", you feel like there's not a need to take it anymore. We know that's not the case, but we get tired, fed up, with constantly taking pills to have to be a normal person, to be able to fit into what society deems as normal.

We feel okay. So why not stop taking them? That's our illness talking to us. To someone that doesn't have bipolar disorder or another mental health disorder, that seems reckless, but it seems fine to us.

There's lots of people that use over the counter drugs, street drugs, marijuana, alcohol, etc… to self-medicate, for several reasons. I'm not going to try to go into those reasons of why people do, because I'm sure each have their own individual ones.

Thanks for reading.


	18. Chapter 18

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Edward

~DB~

"It's okay, baby. I wanted it." She reaches for me and I see a bruise starting to form on her wrist where I held her too tight.

"Oh God, I'm going to be sick." I tell her as I take off running toward the bathroom.

I make it just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet.

I manage to stumble my way over to the sink so I can try to rid my mouth of the disgusting taste of bile that lingers on my tongue. I lean over, bracing myself on the countertop. I look up at myself in the mirror and what I see staring back at me is not someone I'm proud of. He's a sickly looking man, one that just took liberties with his wife that no man should.

I've not been to 'Cullen Technology' at all this week. It's a good thing I have a dependable team to run the day to day operations.

The man that started that company isn't the one staring back at me right now.

I'm letting everyone I know and love down… including myself.

I reach for a cup, knocking over the ice bucket; the bottle of pills I hid in there comes rolling out.

I pick them up, holding them in my palm; just staring at them.

I look at myself in the mirror again. "You're such a fucking loser." I tell myself disgustingly. It's hard to even look at my reflection.

I open the bottle, pouring its contents into my shaky hand. "They'll all be better off." It's the last thing I semi-consciously remember saying before I popped every last one of them into my mouth.

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AN: I, myself, have never substituted OTC drugs, street drugs, or alcohol for a coping mechanism. I can't tell you why other people do that? What I can tell you is this… the brain of someone with a mental disorder doesn't work the same way as someone that doesn't have one. We don't always think rationally, often acting before we ever think, acting on emotions. That's what it's like for me, at least. I don't want to speak for everyone, of course.

I've heard some people say they smoke pot to help cope with their issues because they don't have health insurance, and can't afford to go to the doctor.

What Edward did, stop taking his medicine was wrong. He wasn't doing drugs and drinking as a way to "self-medicate" in this story. He was doing it as a way to deal with the pain of being away from Bella. Yes, that was HIS own fault, too, but he was trying to do right by her in HIS mind. Is it right? No, but he thought it was in his mental state.

It's hard for someone who doesn't have a mental illness, who hasn't been touched by a mental disorder to grasp, I know.

That's why I wanted to share this with y'all. It wasn't an easy decision for me to put so much of myself out there, but there's no way to stop the stigma of mental health issues if we don't talk about it.

Thank you for reading.


	19. Chapter 19

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Bella

~DB~

I open the bottle, pouring the contents into my shaky hand. "They'll all be better off." It's the last thing I semi-consciously remember saying before I popped every last one of them into my mouth.

~DB~

Edward's been in the bathroom for what seems like hours. I could hear him in there earlier retching. I wanted to go to him, see if he was alright, but he's never been one to want someone around when he's sick.

My cell phone rings and I know it's Carlisle before I even look at the display. "Hello." I answer it absentmindedly. My mind still on my husband in the bathroom.

I know he's feeling guilty for how rough our encounter was but I enjoyed it, wanted it. It was raw, primal… It was just what we needed to help us get back on track, I think. I know there's a lot we still need to talk about, sex doesn't solve anything, but it's a beginning, hopefully.

"Bella." Carlisle's voice brings me out of my musings. "Were you able to talk to him?" He asks, expectantly.

"Hmmm, we did a little talking."

"Good, that's good. I'm still down in the lobby. I'll head up there now and we can both talk to him." I hear the elevator doors open.

Suddenly I hear a crash inside the bathroom. "What was that?" I say aloud.

"What was what?" Carlisle questions me.

I go to the bathroom and knock on the door. "Edward? Are you okay?"

He doesn't answer me.

"Carlisle, I heard something in the bathroom. Edward's been in there for a while… he won't answer me." I tell him worriedly.

"Check the door, Bella."

I turn the doorknob and luckily it was unlocked. I try to push it open but there's something preventing me from opening it all the way. I peer around the door and what I see causes my world to come crashing to a halt.

Edward's lying on his back, an empty pill bottle lies haphazardly next to him; his color looks almost bluish, and there's vomit coming from his mouth.

"Carlisle, get up here, NOW! I think Edward's overdosed. He's unconscious on the bathroom floor. There's a pill bottle beside him and I think he's choking on his vomit." I panic, demanding he hurry and get up here.

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AN: There's one more chapter regular chapter after this one, then there's the epilogue.

This story has been a true test of my faith in 1. Myself and 2. Other people. I wasn't sure how it was going to be received, to be honest. It's been so amazing to see how accepting y'all have been of not just Edward but ME.

This story started out as me simply writing down my feelings one day when I was in a manic state. It evolved from there, and I felt the need to share it. I was so scared to share it, afraid of the reaction it would get, but I'm glad I posted it.

Thanks so much for the love you have shown these two, and myself.


	20. Chapter 20

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Bella

~DB~

"Carlisle, get up here, NOW! I think Edward's overdosed. He's unconscious on the bathroom floor. There's a pill bottle beside him and I think he's choking on his vomit." I panic, demanding he hurry and get up here.

"It'll be okay." I tell Edward through the gap in the doorway and I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince more, myself or Edward.

I race over to the door when I hear Carlisle knock, jerking it open. He rushes past me with his doctor's bag in his hand.

He pushes as hard as he can on the bathroom door in order to gain entry.

Guilt burns like acid in my gut when I step inside the room. If only I'd followed Edward in here. I knew he wasn't in a good way, feeling his own guilt over what had transpired between us earlier. I never dreamed he'd do something like this.

"Bella, open my bag." Carlisle instructs as he turns Edward onto his side so he doesn't choke on the vomit. "Get the vial of Narcan. I need you to load one CC into a syringe."

I look in the bag, locating what he indicated and with shaky hands, I ready the injection.

"What do I do, Carlisle?" I'm on the verge of hysteria.

"Inject the serum in his thigh or upper arm-"

Before he can finish what he's saying, I'm plunging the needle into the love of my life's right thigh.

Carlisle turns him onto his back, puts his ear to his chest. "Dammit, son." His voice quivers.

He leans Edward's head back. He checks and cleans his mouth out of any visible debris to open his airway, then starts blowing into his mouth, followed by a set of chest compressions.

"Please, please, please… not him, take me." I beg as Carlisle performs CPR.

Carlisle continues to execute cardiopulmonary resuscitation when I hear someone come into the room.

I look around to the bathroom door, seeing a crew of EMT's coming in with a stretcher.

"Carlisle, EMS is here."

He looks up at me, looking about ten years older than when he first arrived; and relief crosses his face. "I have a pulse."

Tears trail down my face as a sob breaks free.

Thank God.

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~The End~

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AN: That was not easy to write. I hope y'all are ok? This was the last chapter. I know it's probably not the best way to end it, but it wasn't a love story I was necessarily writing. There's one more chapter & that's the epilogue.

I wanted to write this one as an insight into the world of mental illness. I hope it has helped you understand (even if a little bit) what we go through on a daily basis. This was meant to show how mental illness can destroy your life in the blink of an eye, if you allow it; & sometimes even when you don't. Things can go from zero to bad very quickly.

If you or someone you know have been affected by mental illness, just know that it's ok to speak out, & you're not alone.

It's okay to not be okay.

The number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is… 1-800-273-8255, is available 24 hours everyday.

Thanks so much for taking a chance on me, & this story.


	21. Chapter 21

This story contains sensitive subject matter. If the topics of mental illness, and attempted suicide bothers you, please do not read.

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AN: Thanks to Sherry & Paige for all their help with editing this. Any mistakes are mine.

I don't own Twilight, but I do own this plot. No copyright infringements intended.

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POV- Bella

~DB~

He looks up at me, looking about ten years older than when he first arrived; and relief crosses his face. "I have a pulse."

Tears trail down my face as a sob breaks free.

Thank God.

~DB~

It's been a year since Edward overdosed on various kinds of pills, the most prominent ones being opioids, and speed.

I thought I'd lost him that day. If it hadn't been for the quick actions of his dad, Carlisle, I may very well have… I shudder at the thought.

I still deal with guilt, as does Edward, but with the help of our therapist we're learning how to move on with our lives; trying to help each other let go of the past.

We look at each day as a gift now.

He spent a week in the hospital after that pivotal day. Even though he'd vomited several times, they administered activated charcoal in order to help absorb any lingering drugs that were in his stomach. Thankfully, there's been no ill effects from the overdose, and he made a full recovery.

While he was in the hospital, Carlisle had a psychiatrist come in to evaluate Edward. They wanted to admit him to the psychiatric floor, but since Carlisle was his father and a doctor, they released him under his care along with his psychiatrist once a mental health plan was put into place.

He's still seeing his counselor once a week. Edward takes his medication regularly, and we attend couples counseling twice monthly. I attend individual therapy sessions to help deal with my own issues. Through counseling we've grown as a couple, learning how to communicate better with one another.

Carmen, our couples therapist, has seen her fair share of arguments, tears, and even laughter from us. She's been a big part of our journey; she's helped us discover how to be a couple again. We owe her so much more than we could say.

Through extensive counseling, I came to accept that I'll never have any biological children with Edward. I see the devastation mental illness caused him and I can't risk bringing a child into the world only to have him or her suffer the same fate as their father. Of course I'd love the child regardless, but it would be selfish of me… I see that now.

Edward is enough for me, and after an exhaustive and lengthy discussion about adoption, we decided… we're enough for each other.

We've decided to live our lives enjoying one another, experiencing the wonders of the world as we travel to exotic destinations.

Things haven't been easy for us. They'll never be perfect, but we're getting back to a place where we can be healthy, and happy. As long as we're together, and in love… we've got all we'll ever need; and that's perfect for us.

~The End~

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AN: This was an incredibly emotional fic to write. I often cried while I was writing it. I'm sure you feel this ending leaves a lot to be desired. This story was about giving you some insight into the mind of a person that has a mental illness. The stigma that surrounds any mental health illness in the world is staggering, people simply do not understand it. People with mental illness are just like you, the biggest difference is… we're judged harshly, and given unfair labels. Someone with a mental illness can be one of the nicest, most kind person you'd ever meet. A mental illness doesn't make you crazy.

If you ever find yourself lonely, feeling lost, and alone; thinking there's no way out… hang in there, I've been where you're at. If you ever need someone to talk to, come find me on Facebook. If you're not comfortable with that, the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is… 1-800-273-8255, is available 24 hours everyday.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. If you reviewed it, I can't thank you enough for that, too. This one means a lot to me, for it it's extremely close to my heart.

The medical part of the story came from my own experiences, & Google. I don't claim to be a doctor, or nurse. If anything I wrote was wrong, I meant no harm; and it was purely for the sake of fiction.

If there's anything left unanswered for anyone, feel free to ask.

Take care, be kind, and Happy Holidays.


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